Since the “Fifty Shades” craze, there’s been more discussion about BDSM — a variety of often erotic practices or roleplaying involving bondage, discipline, dominance and submission, and sadomasochism. But what is it, exactly, and why do people enjoy it?
BDSM can be an intense experience, but the key to enjoying it is communicating your needs and boundaries.
1. Be open and honest
BDSM is an umbrella term for many different often erotic practices or roleplaying involving bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadomasochism. The latter involves gaining pleasure from inflicting pain, suffering or humiliation on others (always consensually).
Like any type of partnered kink play, BDSM has the potential to be dangerous, particularly when a dom-sub relationship isn’t clear about roles and boundaries. This makes open and honest communication, along with a healthy understanding of consent, the foundation for every BDSM scene.
This is also why it’s a good idea to set up a safe word, something neither partner can use as an excuse to end the scene early. For example, “red” is a great choice. You can even make a fun game of it.
2. Be a submissive
In the world of BDSM, submissive play is one of the most popular fantasies. A sub can enjoy many kinds of dominance and submission, from light spanking and dirty talk to hard penetration and bondage.
A good Dom/sub dynamic also requires clear communication and a safe word. A safe word allows the sub to stop play at any time, even if they’re in mid-spank.
It takes a lot of practice to become a sub. Many subs spend months or even years in training. This is not a hobby for the weak, but a powerful choice to make. A sub should be confident and strong, but they’re still at their dominant’s beck and call 24/7. They’re also willing to be punished when their standards are not met.
3. Be masochistic
Basically, masochism refers to people who get pleasure from pain or humiliation. It’s usually associated with BDSM (bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism), which involves a submissive partner being spanked, flogged, or otherwise maltreated.
Having a masochistic kink is not considered to be a disorder, and it’s not as taboo as some might think. Many BDSMers like the idea of incorporating pain into their sexual experiences in a consensual and sex-positive way.
It’s common practice for lovers of BDSM to agree on a safety word, says Litwick. “This can be a non-sex related word such as ‘lamppost,’ and when spoken means that all acts must stop until the issue is resolved,” she adds. This is a great way to prevent any unnecessary pain or discomfort for both parties.
4. Be dominant
Enjoying BDSM as a dominant person can be thrilling. For instance, you can use impact play—spanking, paddling, hitting erogenous zones, and whipping—as part of your roleplay to make it more intense.
You can also add verbal humiliation to your play. For example, you can tell your sub they are a slut or slave.
BDSM is a kink that involves bondage, discipline, dominance and submission, and sadomasochism. Often, it occurs outside of an existing ‘vanilla’ relationship.
Before you do any BDSM, talk with your partner about your shared desires and your hard boundaries. Also, agree on a safe word to say during sex play if you need to slow down or stop an activity. It could be like a traffic light system—”green” means continue, “yellow” means slow down, and “red” means stop.
5. Be sadist
As with any kink, there are different types of pain that can be enjoyed. For example, emotional sadism is gaining pleasure from inflicting mental/emotional suffering on a sub.
Dominant sadists enjoy inflicting pain and anguish on their sub, usually through emotional manipulation. This can include things like making their sub believe they are in danger, teasing them and making incisive observations that hurt their feelings.
Emotional sadism can also be triggered by things like impact play, degradation and humiliation. However, it’s important to note that this type of BDSM is much rarer than physical sadism and masochism. As with any kink, it’s essential that there is always consent from both parties before anything occurs. This means during the scene as well as afterward. Consent must be enthusiastic, on-going, informed and voluntary.
6. Be vulnerable
In many ways, BDSM is all about vulnerability. It often involves a dominant partner taking control of their submissive partner, and even when the play doesn’t involve sex, the sense of vulnerability is powerful. This is especially true in kink plays that focus on impact or other forms of pain play.
If you’re a submissive, opening up about feeling vulnerable during a scene is something that will turn you on immensely. Being open about it can also help you find your place within a scene, as you’ll be able to show your dominant partner how to make you feel at ease.
Of course, this kind of vulnerability should always be done with the utmost care and respect. It’s also important to never practice BDSM while under the influence of drugs or alcohol, as it can be dangerous to everyone involved.
7. Be safe
It is vital to be safe when enjoying BDSM. This includes physical safety, which is why it’s important to research possible complications and discuss them with a partner before beginning play. It’s also important to agree on a safe word before the scene starts. A popular option is the traffic light system (“red” = stop; “yellow” = proceed with caution; and “green” = it’s all good).
BDSM can be an exciting way to explore new sensations, but it’s important to remember that it should always be done consensually. For more tips on how to be safe when exploring BDSM, check out this article from Insider. You’ll learn everything from how to use a whip to how to set up a safe word. Happy kink!
