BDSM is a variety of often erotic practices or roleplaying involving bondage, discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism. It can be very intense, and it requires a strong foundation of trust and communication.
For some, it conjures certain less-than-consensual scenes from pop culture — think Fifty Shades of Grey. But sexologists and kink experts say it can be safe and satisfying, when done correctly.
Dominance and submission
Dominance and submission is a very kinky part of BDSM, but there are a lot of myths around it. For instance, many people think it’s about pain, but that’s not true. It’s actually about giving up control to someone else. However, it’s also about gaining pleasure from inflicting pain or humiliation on others. There are different ways to do this, but most kink practitioners have their own style. For example, some may have a fetish for hair pulling or genital mutilation. Others have a fetish for putting their body in positions that make them uncomfortable.
It’s important to know that BDSM doesn’t necessarily lead to sex. It’s a lifestyle that can be played with in or out of a relationship. People who live the lifestyle can be male or female, gay or straight, transgender or somewhere in between. They can be married or single, rich or poor, educated or not.
If you’re thinking about exploring BDSM, it’s good to talk with your partner first. Have a discussion about your shared sexual desires and what your hard and soft boundaries are. It’s also a good idea to establish some kind of communication system during sex, like using a safeword or traffic lights (green for go, yellow for slow down, red for stop). This will help you both keep your safety and boundaries in mind.
Bondage and discipline
BDSM involves exploring the many kinks that make up a person’s sexual fingerprint. It can involve bondage, submission, masochism, and sadism. BDSM play is usually safe if it’s enacted with consent. But it can also lead to pain and degradation. It’s important to talk about your kinks with your partner before you begin BDSM play, says Good Vibrations staff sexologist Carol Queen.
She suggests starting by explaining what BDSM is, and asking your partner if it’s something they want to explore. If they’re not interested, that’s okay, but it’s important to be honest about it so you don’t miscommunicate.
Bondage can be a lot of fun, and you don’t have to spend a fortune on equipment. There are plenty of ways to bind a person with things you already have in the house, like a t-shirt as a blindfold or a pair of stockings as handcuffs. You can even make a spreader bar out of a pillowcase for more controlled spanking or use a nipple clamp for pain, if you’re so inclined.
If you do engage in BDSM, be sure to give your partner a chance to come down from the experience. This is especially important if there’s impact or pain involved. Set a “safe word” that lets your partner know when they need to stop and check in with you.
Sadism and masochism
While sadism and masochism are often associated with BDSM, they can also exist outside of this context. Sadomasochistic play can include anything from minor discomfort to extreme pain and suffering. This may be physical discomfort in the form of tickling, hair pulling, or orgasm denial or emotional or psychological discomfort in the form of degradation, humiliation, or slurs. Consensual sadomasochism typically takes place between two partners.
Some people enjoy sadomasochistic fetishes with nonconsenting victims. This can be extremely sexually arousing for those with sadistic tendencies and involves paddling, whipping, slapping, flogging, teasing, beating, pinching, shackling, blindfolding, and even torture or mutilation.
Masochism and sadism can be enjoyed either as an active participant in a BDSM scene or passively through a relationship. A dominant masochist derives pleasure from inflicting pain or discomfort on a submissive masochist. This can involve the use of bondage, impact play, or other power exchange fetishes such as punishment and reward systems.
A passive masochist enjoys the erotic pleasure of submitting to pain and humiliation, but they do not necessarily enjoy inflicting pain on others. This can be done in a variety of ways, including bondage, sex toys, or kink fetishes such as degradation or impact play. It is important to be clear with your partner about what type of kink you are enjoying so that there is no confusion or misunderstanding.
Self-awareness
The BDSM community can be confusing for those who are new to it. There’s a lot of terminology and kink to wade through before you even get to the real nitty gritty. There’s bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. Each of these has its own subsets and can involve a wide array of activities.
To begin with, you should be self-aware and understand what turns you on. You may be able to identify the physical sensations that you enjoy in a given situation or topic, or you might have other ways to articulate what’s happening inside of you, such as by writing. Self-reflection can reveal things about you that you didn’t know were there, so don’t be afraid to ask for feedback from trusted friends or mentors.
For instance, if you’re in the mood to be a bottom and want to engage in some recreational sado-masochism, you could write about what you’re doing, or you can tell your partner what you like and don’t like. The latter is an excellent way to learn from your experiences and improve your self-awareness.
Another great way to increase your self-awareness is by practicing mindfulness techniques. These include meditation, priming and yoga. You can also do a deep breathing exercise to focus on your body and mind, which will help you be present in the moment. Practicing these skills will also help you better manage your emotions and enhance your mood.
